If only dreams became reality…

This is my first time writing in so many years. I have written academically but not just for fun. Which means I probably have something noteworthy to write about…

For the past two nights I have been having the same recurring dream. Where I bump into Wolverine and we actually started talking. So who is Wolverine, you say? The only man I honestly cannot get out of my system. Falling for him was unexpected, weird, could not be defined. It was just all kinds of wonderful for me, until it was not. I messed it up. I claim that now, after 5 years. I wanted to rush something that could have been beautiful even if it was just a friendship or companionship, like he wanted. At that particular point in time I could not get passed the definition of companion. Something I would regret for many years to come. Even though I have acted like a complete fool, trying to creep my way back into his life and looking all kinds of crazy. I think a part of me doesn’t want to let go of one of the best memories in my life.

I met Wolverine for brunch on the 16th of December 2018, just before he was about to leave for America. I was so nervous (this never happens to me), I even phoned my best friend on what outfit to wear. I coloured my hair the day before, so that was sorted. But the outfit, no. I am going on a date with a man that genuinely asked me out to get to know me. Get to know me as a person. I remember I was a couple of minutes late and he had already ordered me a glass of ice water with lemon in it. And I was so impressed. But he was everything I thought he would be. ‘En daar sit ek met n bek vol tande’ I was at a lost for words. But I was out of it. I got out a word here and there, but he kept the conversation going. He probably thought what is wrong with this person? This is not the person I have been chatting to for almost 2 months at that time. Needless to say, I could not think properly, or even string two lines together. I know I reached for my purse to pay but didn’t. I was really in my own world, but felt safe and could listen to this man talk for hours. We had a couple of good moments and I got out of my shell little by little, but was mostly comfortable being a keyboard warrior. So something had to give…

We had a misunderstanding and still has not talked in years. But I still long for what could have been and now I know what a good companion should look like, I really messed up something that could have been wonderful if I didn’t want to rush things and pushed buttons and topics he wasn’t ready for. Now I know what I needed was a good friend, but I was too immature to see that. Now I dream of what could have been and never will be, because once a scorpio has made up their mind, there is no going back. All I have now is the memory and my regret. Dreams that inhibit my psychi and torment me every night I sleep. I now know what it feels like to just stare at yourself in the mirror and your to blame for what never will be. Every happy memory or tear I shed will never bring him back again. And I hate myself all over again for falling for Wolverine, but killing a friendship prematurely because I was hasty for something that takes time to develop. Even friendship takes time to develop into a relationship. Well good relationships at least and all I wanted to do is jump the gun. I will probably never have such an experience again. I am going to cling to the memory as long as it lasts and pray for deliverance.

Miss C